A Piece of History- April 1st 2011

...To Wiki, It's exactly 3 months after I wrote this.
The Last 5 Days Of My Life
I have made a choice. I won't lie and say it was a hard choice, it wasn't. How many years have I been living this? How many hours have I spent planning this? The plans changed, the reasoning changed, the environment changed, I changed. There is nothing I can do about that. I still have 14 years left but who would want to wait so long. I made a choice
I could not get away without mentioning this because I don't want wrong assumption and misunderstandings being made. I am aware that Kurt Cobain, the genius of modern music and icon of surrealistic thinking, died on the 5th of April in 1994. I know that he was 28 years old. I know that it wasn't suicide. My choice has got shit to do with this but I won't lie and say that it's just a coincidence because it isn't. I could do it today and nothing would change except that I wan't to leave something behind, even if it means being just another one of those emos from school I do not care, I'm desperate for recognition.
My life, I guess, was one of many great moments and love and emotion and experiences, I am aware that some people would give anything for a life like this but these people have never seen the labyrinths inside this one life, their darkest nightmares never seen them. Its not like I'm disrespecting the outside, it just means nothing to me. I'm hopeless. this is how I want to thank my mother for everything she gave me, all the love and care I was so spoiled. This is all I can do, the perfect mothers day present. I will free her from the pain she had to suffer for the past weeks, I wan't to make her happy for once. I feel like I never done that before.
I should probably mention my father although he is not of great importance, he helped me realise that I have to do this and that the choice has been made. I am sentenced to death, by his words, he showed me the way.
Sometimes people don't realise what they are. They are made to believe a lie. It tells them of the body and the mind. What a fascinating fairytale. There are many philosophies about what we are and why. I was looking for a  philosophy that would explain why words physically hurt me like daggers, why my chest is torn apart and my heart cut into little pieces every time I hear them speak. Why do they care to waste their precious time and electricity to move their mouth and care? Just let me die in terrible pain, in numbing torture, in piece.
What triggered my decision? Well I will tell you a story of 14 years in as little words as possible.

Getting Back On Track

I haven't written in ages, maybe it's because I haven't had time, or I had to much time and spent it on other shit. Well I guess it doesn't matter now the point is that I have been gone a long long while and to be honest I have no idea what I did all this time, I didn't make notes at all or anything I just have my journal full of meaning less dates and empty names. I was busy. Very busy, and now, as the summer holidays start I should stop for a bit and rethink my self. It was my birthday on the 29th of June. Happy Memories. I hate my birthdays and everybody knows so they make growing old a little bit less painful by letting me eat Ice Cream for breakfast and burring me in presents :) I can't really complain. But when I'm alone it starts. I had a meeting with a conciliar and my mother on Monday where we spoke about my problems and how 'I can be dangerous' sometimes. I think it's stupid. I'm mad. It has to be. Well I'm just glad that my mum knows everything that she needs to now. Oh, who am I kidding? She doesn't know everything, she can never know about her. See what a hypocrite I am, I take the piss out of 13 year olds going around saying 'Yeah I'm lesbian' or 'Yeah I'm bi', but when it comes to the truth, I turn my head and punch a couple of walls. I have something to share with you Wiki. I would like you to read this if you lost the note book...

Part 4

I wish I could spend my life being someone else every day, acting like someone else everyday, escaping reality, entering the world that I create with my mind. It's more important, the change is more important than anything, there is nothing more important than what's inside. The outside is just a shell, it's hard to break but not impossible

Part 3

Sometimes the world of the Outside is so beautiful, she can't help but believe it. But then, on the other hand, how can something so beautiful exist, amongst all the bad, terrible things that they are both trying to escape.When she falls asleep with her eyes wide open, and It wakes up and controls her unconscious body. That's when, for them, she is her self and the current of the wild ocean inside pushes against rocks and little words come out, drops of water. And then It speaks, the whole world speaks it's secret language, and for the ones who understand it's like music, and for the one's who hear but noise it's like daggers.
Oh, how terrific and terrible it would be if the two conciousness lived at the same time, how the body and the mind would correspond and when ever one is turned off, the other one is. How terrible it would be, to descend in to the darkness of the sea and have no control over the body, and have no control of the mind. The beautiful moment when one is dying would no more be as it is now.

Part 2

It's Friday today and this blog is just nearly one day old. This is a very important anniversary because it means that there is another post coming. Back to the subject of the previous post, how the knowledge of what 'It' really was helped it to get through life and how did It find out what It was.
Today was a similar scenario to the one from that fortunate Thursday when It finally understood. Today It was concentrating on thinking whilst the out side gave no interest what so ever in understanding what 'The Trinity' means. This is not very surprising as the poor soul ,which was stood in front of 30 totally adiaphorus other 'Its' knew just as much about it as the text book she was holding in her pale, shaking hands. By this one means nothing what so ever that would help anyone to understand this very 'compilicated' idea of how one person can be three people at once. It could not help but wonder how an easy way to describe this is by changing God (something not physical, therefore difficult to sum up in an hours RE lesson) to Earth and make it as simple as possible. Let's assume the Earth is the sky, the soil, and the water, just like 'The Trinity'.If you where to take the sky from Earth ,and leave the soil to soak up the water till there is nothing left and dry up into dust, then there would be no Earth. The same with soil and water, with each other they are nothing and only with each other they form the Earth, the Son, the Father and the Holy Spirit, for Christians, is God and if one disappeared then God would not be complete.

Part 1

What's really important in this story is that it has no beginning and no end, it is simply like a piece of string , the beginning is the end and the end is the beginning. This story is not about any 'me' it's about 'it', the outside has no part in this story except that It has control over the outside but it plays no role in the reason. All of this was decided one Thursday morning when the question "What do you believe in?" struck again, which was foolish because after a couple of months of preparing, It was ready for it and had a perfect answer in store.
By then It knew what it was and was proud of this although it hasn't changed It at all, the knowledge of  it's place didn't quite change It in any way, it changed the outside. It took It exactly 10 months to find out what it was and it was worth it because after all these days of pain and confusion It can finally understand what it has to do. And isn't that the most important thing for a It? To know what it's place is in the world, to stop being lost, to find a way in the dark.
It started analysing it with how it began. It's a fairly short and typical story of a young couple, madly in love for each other and that love being brutally paralysed by a heartless disease called teenage pregnancy. The child was born shortly after the hasty wedding, no body was happy but they kept the fake smiles on their faces and the clenched fists in their trouser pockets, unaware that all of this is entering It even though the outside gave no signs.   That Thursday morning It knew that It was born and created but It still imagined that it was stuck in the same day forever. Time goes by so slowly and when we look back its gone to fast to even take a picture.